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Chapter Three

Title: When Insantiy Meets Hogwarts
Chapter Three

* * *

By the time Harry arrived in the kitchen, the three Dursleys were already seated around the table. None of them looked up as he entered or sat down.

(The Dursleys were preoccupied with shooting nervous glances at the two girls leaning against a wall, smirking. Each didn't seem to notice that words were hovering just above the top of their head. For Dudley there was 'Incredibly spoiled and obnoxious whale boy, weighs as much as a baby orca and has the IQ around that of a toaster." For Vernon Dursley there was "Red faced git who's prejudiced against magic and has the record for longest yelling time in the history of the universe." And lastly for Petunia it said "Giraffe woman, who possesses one of the longest necks on Privet Drive, and the smallest intelligence.")

Uncle Vernon's large red face was hidden behind-

Kahlan: A large hardcover book entitled "How to kill your relatives who posses strange abilities and not get caught.
Sabrina: The large blob of fat commonly known as Dudley.
Kahlan: He's taking up an the oxygen, the fat is suffocating us...nooooo.....

-the morning's Daily Mail, and Aunt Petunia was cutting a grapefruit into quarters, her lips pursed over her horse like teeth.
Sabrina: Wait, first she's an ant, then a horse....she's a shapeshifter!!
Kahlan: Aunt, not ant, stupid!

Dudley looked furious and sulky, and somehow seemed to be taking up more space than usual.

Kahlan: Which considering how much space he usually takes up is quite an achievement.
Sabrina: *claps halfheartedly and waves a small flag* Go...Dudley....

This was saying something, as he always took up an entire side of the square table by himself. When Aunt Petunia put a quarter-

Kahlan: Of a pound of dog food on the table, telling Dudley to "eat up."
Sabrina: On the table, instructing Dudley "not to spend it all in one place."
Kahlan: Um....Sabrina....they don't have quarters in England.
Sabrina: Right, I knew that...really.

-of unsweetened grapefruit onto Dudley's plate with a tremulous "There you are, Diddy darling,"

Kahlan: Diddy! *snort of laughter* I've heard some really bad nicknames, but this has to be the worst.
Sabrina: Come here Diddy, darling, ooh, your such a good wittle puppy...

-Dudley glowered at her. His life had taken a most unpleasent turn since-

Sabrina: He had to start walking through doors sideways, and his parents had to buy special steel chairs for him to sit on, just so he wouldn't break them.
Kahlan: The doctors determined there was a 90% chance he wouldn't live over the age of 30 due to a heart attack.

-he had come home for the summer with his end of year report.
Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia had managed to find excuses for-

Kahlan: His involvement in the mafia.
Sabrina: Those strange cult meetings he went to every Saturday.

-his bad marks as usual: Aunt Petunia always insisted that Dudley was a very gifted boy-

Kahlan: *snort* At what, eating?
Sabrina: Don't forget sumo wrestling.

-whose teachers just didn't understand him,-

Sabrina: Why don't my parents believe me when I tell them that....?

-while Uncle Vernon maintained that "he didn't want some swotty little nancy boy for a son anyway."

Kahlan: A swotty little nancy boy? What's that supposed to mean??
Sabrina: I don't know, maybe it's some weird type of British slang.

They also skated over the accusations of bullying in the report- "He's a boisterous little boy, but he would hurt a fly!" Aunt Petunia had said tearfully.

Kahlan: Who in their right mind would call Dudley little?
Sabrina: You see, Dudley has a great love for insects. People on the other hand....

However, at the bottom of the report there were a few well-chosen comments from the school nurse that not even Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia could explain away.

Sabrina: *shakes head sadly* Drug tests.
Kahlan: The odd tattoo of a serpent and a skull on his forearm.
Sabrina: Dudley the Deatheater....I think not.
Kahlan: *mutters* of course you don't think.
Sabrina: *glares* I heard that!

No matter how much Aunt Petunia wailed that Dudley was big-boned,

Sabrina: *sacrcastically* Yeah, just like Madame Maxime. Hey, do you think Dudley a...
Kahlan: Shut up, Harry doesn't know about her yet!!!
Sabrina: Oh...sorry. *looks innocently around, whistling.*

-and that his poundage was really puppy fat, and that he was a growing boy-

Kahlan: Except normal people grow vertically, not horizontally....

-who needed plenty of food, the fact remained that the school outfitters didn't stock knickerbockers big enough for him anymore.

Sabrina: No wonder, what size does he wear, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL?

The school nurse had seen what Aunt Petunia's eyes- so sharp-

Sabrina: Ah, her eyes, they're poking me....the agony, the horror....

-when it came to spotting fingerprints on her gleaming walls, and in observing the comings and goings of neighbors- simply refused-

Kahlan: To help her take over the world with that strange Moldywarts guy.
Sabrina: To look at her son, the sun reflecting off of his fat was too painful.

-to see: that far from needing extra nourishment, Dudley had reached roughly the size and weight of a young killer whale.

Sabrina: We could send him to sea world!
Kahlan: Or the circus.

So- after many tantrums, after arguments that shook Harry's bedroom floor,

Kahlan: Aah, its an earthquake!!!
Sabrina: No, that's Dudley throwing things at walls and stomping his feet.
Kahlan: I would hate to see him run....

-and many tears from Aunt Petunia, the new regime had begun.

Kahlan: The reign of the empty refrigerator.

The diet sheet that had been sent by the Smeltings school nurse had been taped to the fridge, which had been emptied of all Dudley's favorite things- fizzy drinks and cakes, chocolate bars and burgers-

Sabrina: *looking through fridge* What are we supposed to eat...
Kahlan: *munching on a carrot stick* Just pick something, there's some lovely apples...

- and filled instead with fruit and vegetables and the sorts of things Uncle Vernon called-

Kahlan: "Food"

- "rabbit food." To make Dudley feel better about it all, Aunt Petunia had insisted that the whole family follow the diet too.

Sabrina: Why? Dudley's the one who weighs as much as a hippo, although Vernon could afford to lose a couple of pounds.
Kahlan: Well, that's no reason to punish us. *A slice of chocolate cake appears in her hand. She notices Dudley's eyes on the cake, and jokingly moves in various directions in front of his face. Dudley's eyes seem glued to the cake, and he begins drooling. Sabrina begins snickering in the corner as Kahlan slowly and painstakingly devours the slice*

She now passed a grapefruit quarter to Harry.

Kahlan: *In a deep, commentators voice* And Harry dribbles the grapefruit....he shoots...Harry scores.
Sabrina: That concludes the first ever basketball game played with a grapefruit. Tune in next time as Harry and Petunia take on Vernon and Dudley in soccer with a cantaloupe!

He noticed it was a lot smaller than Dudley's. Aunt Petunia seemed to feel the best way to keep up Dudley's morale was to-

Kahlan: To hide all magazines with models in them.
Sabrina: To enlarge to doorways on the house, so Dudley wouldn't have to walk sideways through them.

-make sure that he did, at least, get more to eat than Harry.
But Aunt Petunia didn't know what was hidden under the loose floorboard upstairs.

Sabrina: *ominousley* Dun dun dun!
Kahlan: Is it just me, or does this sounds like the beginning of a bad horror movie?

She had no idea that Harry-

Kahlan: Had been stocking up on nuclear weapons over the school year....
Sabrina: Had become a Death Eater one one condition: that Voldemort would kill the Durselys.
Kahlan: After torturing them extensively of course!

-was not following the diet at all.

Sabrina: *Dressed in uniform with a shiny badge that says 'Diet Police'* I'm sorry sonny, you're going to have to come with us.
Kahlan: You're going to have to spend the rest of the summer on a diet and exercise plan with us and a bunch of muscular guys, with bad Swedish accents, who'll get you in shape in no time!
The moment he had got wind of the fact that he was expected to survive the summer on carrot sticks, Harry had sent Hedwig to his friends-

Kahlan: Asking for the recipe for cooked owl in a fine garlic sauce.

-with pleas for help, and they had risen to the occasion magnificently. Hedwig had returned from Hermione's house with-

Sabrina: A box filled with smoked cat.
Kahlan: A 5,000 page book. After all, who needs food when you can read!

-a large box stuffed full of sugar-free snacks.

Sabrina: SUGAR FREE! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!
Kahlan: Nooo...must....have....suger.....withdrawl......

(Hermione's parents were dentists.) Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper, had obliged with a sack full of-

Kahlan: Extra bodybags.
Sabrina: Hm...we've run out. Do you think Harry would let us borrow a few?

-his homemade rocks cakes. (Harry hadn't touched these; he had too much experience with Hagrid's rock cakes.) Mrs. Wesley, however, had sent the family owl,-

Kahlan: A compactible oven, and cooking instructions...
Sabrina: As well as a tangy lemon sauce.

-Errol, with an enormous fruitcake and assorted meat pies.

Kahlan: Of course, Harry wasn't quite sure what the meat in these pies was...
Sabrina: Ah, like our school "mystery meat."

Poor Errol, who was elderly and feeble,-

Kahlan: Didn't have much meat on his bones, (not that most owls would), so Harry decided to spare the poor beast.

-had needed a full five days to recover from the journey. And then on Harry's birthday-

Kahlan: Ron and Hermione had thrown a party, inviting the Weasleys, Sirius, Lupin, Dumbledore, Snape, Draco Malfoy, and Voldemort (but he was welcome to "bring the Death Eaters along.")
Sabrina: Voldie had, unfortunately, taken the letter as a hoax and decided not to show up. Snape refused also, replying that he "had to take a shower."
Kahlan: But of course we know that while he desperately needs one, Severus Snape would never ever take a shower (expect perhaps in fanfiction), so he must have had other reasons not to come.
Sabrina: And Draco didn't answer, because he suddenly had a violent heart attack when reading the invitation and is still recuperating in St. Mungo's.
- (which the Dursley's had completely ignored) he had recieved four superb birthday cakes, one each from Ron, Hermione, Hagrid, and Sirius. Harry still had two of them left-

*Kahlan and Sabrina look at each other*
Kahlan: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Sabrina: About Malfoy in a tho- oooh, the cakes, right...
*Kahlan rolls her eyes and they rush upstairs. Both reappear a few mintus later with chocolate smears around their mouths, and innocent grins.*

-, and so, looking forward to a real breakfast when he got back upstairs, he ate his grapefruit without complaint.
Uncle Vernon laid down his paper with a deep sniff-

Sabrina: He's trying to inhale the paper?

-of disapproval-

Kahlan as Uncle Vernon: Blasted polititions! Now if I were running this country...
Sabrina: The world would be a sad, sad place.

-and looked down at his own grapefruit quarter.
"Is this it?" He said grumpily to Aunt Petunia.

Sabrina as Aunt Petunia: What'd you expect, a buffet?
Kahlan: If you don't want it, I'd be more than happy to eat it for you.
*Vernon gives the girls a dirty look and turns back to his quarter of a grapefruit posssesively*

Aunt Petunia-

Kahlan: Got so fed up with him and his outrageous demands she walked out.
Sabrina: Made a mental note to add her husband to her 'List of People She Would Kill.'

-gave him a severe look, and then nodded pointedly at Dudley, who had already finished his own grapefruit quarter and was eyeing Harry's with a very sour look in his piggy little eyes.

Kahlan: Tsk tsk Dudley, don't be greedy.
Sabrina: You do want to lose weight, don't you...?
Kahlan: In that case, I would suggest liposuction all the way!
Uncle Vernon gave a great sigh-

Kahlan: Why thank you, how very thoughtful of you.

-, which ruffled his large, bushy-

Sabrina: Shrubbery!
Kahlan: Dead mink glued to his face!

-mustache,-

Kahlan: Ah, same thing.

-and picked up his spoon.

Sabrina: Determined to die fighting!
The doorbell rang. Uncle Vernon heaved himself out of his chair and set down off the hall.

Kahlan: Never to be seen again.
All: Yay!

Quick as a flash, while his mother was occupied with the kettle, Dudley stole the rest of Uncle Vernon's grapefruit.

Kahlan: Darn, and I almost had it too!

Harry heard talking at the door-

Kahlan as Uncle Vernon: So how much will you give me for handing over Harry to you?

-, and someone laughing, and Uncle Vernon answered curtly.

Sabrina: Probably a door to door salesman.
Kahlan: *smirk* We could help Vernon get rid of them...

Then the front door closed-

Kahlan: *sigh* Too late.

-and the sound of ripping paper came from the hall.

Sabrina: Uncle Vernon had ripped the new copy of the phone book in half!
Kahlan: I read a book once on how to do that...
Sabrina: You have way too much spare time.
Aunt Petunia set the teapot down on the table and looked curiously around to see where Uncle Vernon had got to.

Kahlan: *muttered* And she just realized he was gone...
Sabrina: Not quite the sharpest tool in the shed....

She didn't have to wait long to find out; after about a minute, he was back.

Kahlan: With a machine gun, to kill them all.
Sabrina: Accompanied by his mistress, and announcing he was going to divorce Petunia.

He looked-

Kahlan: Puzzled.
Sabrina: Angry.
Kahlan: Doesn't he always?

-livid.
"You," he barked at Harry. "In the living room. Now."

Kahlan: Boy. He's. Angry.
Sabrina as Vernon: We just got the phone bill. 5,000 pounds for long distance calls to China!

Bewildered-

Kahlan: Puzzled, and just plain confused.

-, wondering what on earth he was supposed to have done this time-

Sabrina: He's supposed to play jokes and cause mischief?
Kahlan: *bitterly* lucky.

-, Harry got up and followed Uncle Vernon and into the next room. Uncle Vernon closed the door sharply behind both of them.

*Kahlan and Sabrina manage to slip through right before the door closes, to Uncle Vernon's displeasure*
Sabrina as Vernon: Harry, I've loved you for quite some time. Lets run away together!
Kahlan: Um....how about not!

"So," he said, marching over to the fireplace-

Kahlan: Armed and dangerous.
Sabrina: When suddenly Santa popped out!
Kahlan: Sorry, you're half a year to early.

-and turning to face Harry as though he were about to pronounce him under arrest.

Kahlan: *nervous whisper* Do you think he knows it was us that "redecorated" the outside of the house. Sabrina: *also whispering* I don't think so. And anyway, I rather liked my picture of Dudley as a pig/human.
Kahlan: Yes, and my Dark Mark with "Magic" written under it was pure genius.
Sabrina: *sigh* The wonders of spray paint.

"So."

Kahlan: Why does he keep repeating so?
Sabrina: No idea. No idea.
Kahlan: Haha...not funny!
Harry would have dearly loved to have said, "So what?"-

*Kahlan and Sabrina suddenly appear on either side of Harry, and start whispering in his ear*
Kahlan: You know you want to...
Sabrina: Think of the look on his face! Priceless!

-but he didn't feel that Uncle Vernon's temper should be tested this early in the morning-

Kahlan: Good idea, no tests in the morning!
Sabrina: Well if you won't, we will!
*Both walk over to Uncle Vernon and begin talking to him. A few seconds later he begins yelling, and they retreat to the corner of the room*
Kahlan: *mutters* Running away from a mortal....can I please do something....
Sabrina: He may be mortal, but he does have a temper! And no, you can't do anything! Leave that to Fred and George.

-, especially when it was already under severe strain from lack of food. He therefore settled for looking politely puzzled.

Kahlan: Good choice. I would have added a bit of 'mildly surprised' in there myself....

"This has just arrived," said Uncle Vernon.

Kahlan as Uncle Vernon: It's your death warrant. So sorry, but I'll have to kill you now.
Sabrina as Uncle Vernon: Why did you buy a lifetime supply of paper clips on e-bay?

He brandished a piece of purple writing paper at Harry.

Kahlan: And gave Harry a long paper cut across his arm!
Sabrina as Harry: No...tis merely a flesh wound....

"A letter. About you."

Kahlan as Harry: Damn, so you found out about my using your credit card to buy useless things online!

Harry's confusion increased.

Sabrina: And for once it wasn't because of us!
Kahlan: *sarcastically* I'm so proud.

Who would be writing to Uncle Vernon about him?

Kahlan: Oh, the Scotland Yard, the FBI, the police forces of the other 12 countries you're wanted in...

Who did he know who sent letters by the postman?
Uncle Vernon glared at Harry, then looked down at the letter and began to read aloud:
Kahlan as Vernon: *Clears throat* Dear Vernie, Please meet me at the pub around 10. I love you sugar! Signed, Proffessor McGonagall.
Sabrina as Vernon: Oh, damn, maybe it wasn't about you. Never mind then, off you go.

Dear Mr. And Mrs. Dursley,
We have never been introduced-

Kahlan: Figures, they probably wouldn't have been so polite if they had been.
Sabrina: So why are these people writing to the Dursley's if they don't know them.
Kahlan: No idea. Maybe they're a new form of telemarketers.

-, but I am sure that you have heard a great deal from Harry about my son Ron.
As Harry might have told you-

Kahlan: The Young Death Eaters meetings have been rescheduled to Mondays and Wednesdays.
Sabrina: The Slytherin house has been abolished, Snape's been sacked *notices Kahlan's look of horror at his and continues*, Voldemort has died from a sudden heart attack, and Sirius Black was cleared of all charges.
Kahlan: Whistful thinking from Harry's POV. And anyways...who would we play pranks on if Snape was sacked?
Sabrina: True...

-the final of the Quidditch world cup takes place this Monday night and my husband-

Kahlan: Lucius Malfoy.
Sabrina: Cornelius Fudge.
Kahlan: I hate that *******!
Sabrina: Kahlan...

-Aurthur-

Kahlan: King of the British!
Sabrina: I'm having flashbacks from the Holy Grail.
Kahlan: Ni!

-has just managed to-

Kahlan: Discover the meaning of life.
Sabrina: 42, of course. Poor Douglas Adams. *wipes away tear*. No more hitchhiker's guide.
Kahlan: *shakes head sadly* I'll always remember him, and his "words of wisdom." "Flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing."

-get prime tickets through his connections at the Department of Magical Games and Sports.

Kahlan: In other words he bribed/threatened a bunch of people to get good seats cheaply.
I do hope you'll allow us to take Harry-

Kahlan: ...put him up for auction, and sell him to the highest bidder.
Sabrina: And place the Imperious curse on him, forcing him to go around and kill muggles and Albus Dumbledore.
Kahlan: A scheme worthy of Voldemort...or us.

-to the match, as this really is a once in a lifetime opportunity;-

Kahlan: Yes, along with Snape washing his hair and it not being greasy; watching Lord Voldemort and Albus Dumbledore sit around a campfire, roast marshmallows and sing; us not causing havoc and utter panic whenever possible...
Sabrina: Of course, none of those will ever happen....well, at least not the first one.

-Britian hasn't hosted-

Kahlan: the National Goldfish eating competition in two years!
Sabrina: Any good game shows, most of them are in the US.

-the cup for thirty years, and tickets are extremely hard to come by.

Kahlan to Sabrina: Looks like we'll just have to ste...er...borrow a pair.

We would of course be glad to-

Kahlan: "Dispose" of Harry for you.
Sabrina: Provided you pay us, of course.

-have Harry stay-

Sabrina: In our cuboard, its much more cramped than yours.
Kahlan: At least until we get bored of him.
Sabrina: Until we can hand him over to Lord Voldemort.

-for the remainder of-

Sabrina: *creepy music begins play in background* His life, mwahaha!
Kahlan: The time his life savings will last.
Sabrina: Negative 3.5308420 divided by 7.94383.

-the summer holidays, and to see him safely onto-

Kahlan: That plane to Antarctica.
Sabrina: One way, of course!

-the train back to school.
Kahlan: We get to go to the Weasleys', score!
Sabrina: And then onto Hogwarts! Finally!
*Harry pauses from reading the letter, looks up, and gives both girls odd looks. He mutters to himself, "Maybe Dumbledore will know what to do with those two."*

It would be best for Harry-

Kahlan: If all the Dursely's jumped off a very tall building.
Sabrina: If Voldemort began watching Barney reruns, and became the leading peace activist in the free world.
Kahlan: *gives Sabrina disturbed look.* Um...that's kind of....scary.....

-to send us your answer-

Kahlan: To our proposal of Ginny marrying your son Dudley.
Sabrina: To that difficult calculus problem...
Kahlan: Yeah, like any of the Dursley's are intelligent enough to do Calculus! Be realistic! Wait...did I just say that?? Never mind.

-as quickly as possible in the normal way-

Kahlan: Flying postmen!
Sabrina: Cannibalistic goldfish!
Kahlan: Or not....

-because the Muggle postman has never delivered to our house-

Sabrina: *astonished* You mean they never get mail?
Kahlan: No, it means they don't have any Muggle friends....
Sabrina: Well, neither do you, and you still get mail!
Kahlan: Hate letters and mail from friends are two different things...

-and I am not sure he ever knows where it is.

Sabrina: Are all postmen in England blind? How hard is it to miss a freakin' house???

Hoping to see Harry soon,

Sabrina: *surprised* They're hoping to see him?? And no one is ever happy to see us??? No offense, but Harry isn't quite the most interesting person I've ever met.
Kahlan: *sigh* Why do we always have to go through this...after all the havoc we cause, people are not overjoyed to see us! That's why they run away screaming....
Sabrina: People these days, more than a bit prejudiced.
Kahlan: *mutters* This is coming from the person who was surprised Napolean tried to have us killed after you got him thrown out of France and then decided to go on a trip to see the poor fellow!
-Yours sincerely,
Molly Weasley

PS. I do hope we've put enough stamps on it.

Uncle Vernon finished reading, put his hand back into his breast-

Sabrina: Um...no comment....
Kahlan: Yes, lets please not go there.

-pocket-

Sabrina: Ooooh...
Kahlan: That's what happens when you cut characters off in mid sentence.

, and drew out-

Sabrina: The Drews? Where?
Kahlan: drew, not the Drews. And don't worry, presently they're in the eminently capable hands of the Wild Magick.
Sabrina: Yes...I can almost hear their tortured screams...

-something else.

Kahlan: *grave* It was a rocket launcher.
Sabrina: And with it, Mr. Vernon Dursley blew up the occupants of 100 Privet Drive.
Kahlan: The Scotland Yard are still trying to identify the bodies.
"Look at this," he growled.

Sabrina: Oh goody, lets play show and tell!
Kahlan as Vernon: Yes, I "show" you this grenade, and you "tell" me when you're leaving.

He held up-

Kahlan: The murder weapon. It was a dagger, stained crimson with-
Sabrina: Heinz ketchup! A necessity for all cheap horror movies!

-the envelope in which Mrs. Weasley's letter had come, and Harry had to fight down a laugh.

Sabrina: *deep, commentator's voice* In the far corner is The Boy Who Lived, Mr. Harry Potter himself! In the other corner, the king of mirth, Laughter!
Kahlan: This should be a good fight folks, as both competitors are evenly matched. And the fight begins! Laughter starts off with a fantastic punch in Harry's ribs, but Harry retaliates with a Full Body Bind!

Every bit of it was covered in-
Kahlan: Jello! J-E-L-L-O, its alive...
Sabrina: Gasoline! *She eagerly pulls out a box of matches*

-stamps except for-

Kahlan: Random places where an unknown *cough Ginny cough cough* admirer had written 'I love Harry' in bright green ink.

-a square inch on the front, into which Mrs. Weasley had squeezed-

Sabrina: Fresh orange juice.
Kahlan: I don't know, I think it may be lemon...

-the Dursleys' adress-

Kahlan:....social security numbers, telephone number, place of birth, criminal record...

-in minute writing.

Kahlan: *smirk* Nothing like a good font reducing spell...
Sabrina: Annoys both postmen and teachers, guaranteed.
Kahlan: Lets not turn this into an advertisement.

"She did put enough stamps on, then,"-

Kahlan: *rolls eyes* Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.
Sabrina: *begins chuckling to herself* Fantastic idea...why didn't we think of this?

-said Harry, trying to sound as though Mrs. Weasley's was a mistake anyone could make.

Kahlan: *shakes head sadly* Birth control is the way to go.
Sabrina as Mrs Weasley: It was the Imperius curse! Voldemort made me kill those Muggles!

His uncle's eyes flashed.

*Kahlan shields her eyes, and Sabrina adopts her "moose in headlights" pose.*

"The postman-

Kahlan as Vernon: Is in the closet. I want you to dispose of the body.
Sabrina: Was Snape. He'd finally been fired.
Kahlan: *threatening tone of voice* Sabrina...how would you like it if I told you the Weasley twins had been expelled.
Sabrina: Well, at least someone would miss them...if Snape left it'd probably be declared a national holiday.
*A brawl ensues. Kahlan and Sabrina are still yelling about which Hogwarts male is "cooler/sexier." They finally break apart; Kahlan has a black eye, and Sabrina a split lip. They glare at each other, and reluctantly shake hands.*

-noticed,"-

Kahlan as Vernon: My weight loss.
Sabrina: The nuclear weapons out back. That was why I had to kill him.

-he said through-

Kahlan: The veil.
Sabrina as Vernon: Harry, I do.

-gritted teeth. "Very interested to know-

Kahlan: What the body bags were for.
Sabrina: Why he doesn't get more screen time.
Kahlan: The real meaning behind Barney.

-where this letter came from,-

Kahlan: Mars!
Sabrina: A galaxy far...far away....(it came through a "plot hole".)
Kahlan: My imagination.
Sabrina: Wal-Mart! Extra low prices, guaranteed!

-he was.

*Kahlan and Sabrina look confused*
Kahlan: He was what?

That's why he rang the doorbell.

Kahlan: Comapared to breaking in....
Sabrina: *shrug* Hey, it works for us.
Kahlan: Yes, but that's because most people barricade their homes when they see us coming.

Seemed to think it was funny."

Kahlan: Obviousley this postman fellow has no sense of humor.
Sabrina: He should come watch some Monty Python with us!
*Both fall to ground and begin "worshipping" their Python memorabelia.*

Harry didn't-

Kahlan: Kill Vernon right away, he instead decided to torture him a bit first.
Sabrina: Jump up and start doing the tango with a rose in his mouth...*notices Kahlan giving her an odd look.* What? He didn't!

-say anything.

Sabrina as Harry: Nothing!
Kahlan: That was lame. Anyways, saying nothing is a lot better than babbling, which*cough* some people have a tendency to do.

Other people might not understand why-

Kahlan: Chaos is necessary.
Sabrina: Six times nine equals forty-two.
Kahlan: All hail Douglas Adams *sob*

-Uncle Vernon-

Kahlan: Yelled so much.
Sabrina: Liked to walk around clad only in a towel.
Kahlan: That's disturbing...

-was making a fuss about-

Kahlan: Being fired from his job.
Sabrina: The graffeti all over his house.
Kahlan: It was an...accident.
Sabrina *mutters* spray paint happy.

-too many stamps-

Kahlan: *shakes head sadly* That's why he wasn't caught unprepared when the invasion of the giant killer stamps began.

-but Harry had lived-

Sabrina: *peers oddly at Harry* He doesn't look dead to me....

-with the Dursley's too long-

Kahlan: 14 years with these...people is way too long.
Sabrina: He could move in with us!
*Harry gives the girls a horrified look.*
Kahlan: Or not.

-not to know how-
Kahlan: To shear a llama.
Sabrina: Geo-thermal power works.
Kahlan: To calculate the distance light travels in a given amount of time.

-touchy they were-

Kahlan: When someone mentioned the fact that whenever a new neighbor moved in next to them, the neighbors always ended up moving away after about a year.
Sabrina: About the fact that Dudley could probably crush a car just by sitting on it.

-about anything even slightly out of the ordinary.

Sabrina: Ahah! So thats why they don't like us...
Kahlan: So they're those *shudder* "normal" people..
Sabrina: It's always the quiet ones.
Kahlan: Well, I wouldn't call Vernon quiet...

Their worst fear was that-

Kahlan: Aliens would come and destroy Earth to make way for an intergalactic highway.
Sabrina: Man eating purple giraffes would come and take over England.
Kahlan: Some idiot would be elected president of the US...oh, never mind. Sorry about that.

-someone would find out that they were-

Kahlan: from Mars.
Sabrina: Con artists hiding from the Albanian secret police.
Kahlan: Wizards.
Sabrina: Actually very normal people.

-connected (however distantly)-

Kahlan: Together, thanks to a science experiment gone horribly wrong...
Sabrina: Dudley can't fit through doors as is, but with all three of them connected...

-with people like-

Kahlan: Richard Nixon.
Sabrina: US!
Kahlan: Please, don't offend me like that.

-Mrs. Weasley.
Uncle Vernon was still-

Sabrina: Doing the tango.
Kahlan: Trying to figure out 2+3.

-glaring at Harry-

Sabrina: He needs to work on that glare. It's more comical than threatening.
Kahlan: Perhaps Snape will give him "How to Glare at Potter" lessons.

-who tried to keep-

Kahlan: From bursting out laughing.
Sabrina: From joining Uncle Vernon in the tango.

-his expression-

Kahlan: Surprised.
Sabrina: Vexed.
Kahlan: Magnanimous.
Sabrina: Interesting adjective choice.

-neutral.
If he didn't do or say anything stupid-

Kahlan: Sorry, no chance of that.
Sabrina: Stop teasing Harry! It's not his fault he's just...not as smart as most people.

-he might just be-

Kahlan: Voted the 'Sexiest Wizard Ever' by Witches Weekly.
Sabrina: Oh no...lets not get into that again...

-in-

Kahlan: 1,000 pounds of jello.
Sabrina: Voldemort's Headquarters. Get ready to commence operation "Destroy Voldie."

-for the treat of a lifetime.

Kahlan: A lifetime supply of Chocolate Frogs.
Sabrina: Never having to take Potions.
Kahlan: Pictures of Snape in a tho...*she notices Sabrina and Harry's horrified looks* Perhaps that's just me...

He waited for Uncle Vernon to-

Kahlan: Explain his plan for world domination.
Sabrina: Recover from the effects of the curse Harry had just put on him.
Both: Do SOMETHING!

-say something, but,-

Kahlan: Uncle Vernon had suddenly gone mute.
Sabrina: *smirking, and twirling her wand between her fingers* Thanks to a very useful Silencing Charm.

-he merely continued to-

Sabrina: Tango!
Kahlan: Attempt to diffuse the bomb carefully hidden in Mrs. Weasley's letter.

-glare.

*Sabrina and Kahlan both yawn*
Kahlan: *extremely sarcastic* Scary....

Harry decided to break-

Kahlan: *suddenly excited* Yay, we get to break something!
Sabrina: For our first target...Uncle Vernon's skull!

-the silence.

Sabrina: But-but...I thought the silence was your friend...how could you?!?!

"So, can I-

Kahlan as Harry: Blow up New York City?
Sabrina as Harry: Go to the party at Malfoy's?
Kahlan (yet again) as Harry: Move in with Proffessor Snape?

-go then?" He asked.
A slight spasm crossed Uncle Vernon's large purple face.

*The girls burst out laughing*
Kahlan: Haha, he's got a twitch....
*Uncle Vernon glares at the two watchers, which only makes them laugh harder*

The mustache-

Kahlan: Grew to twice it's normal size.
Sabrina: Turned neon purple.
Kahlan: *evil grin* Now that's an idea...

-bristled. Harry thought he knew-

Kahlan: How the universe worked.
Sabrina: How young children were being controlled. It was the subliminal messages in the re-runs of Sesame Street.

-what was going on behind the mustache:-

Sabrina: Vernon's brain is located behind his mustache? How odd...
Kahlan: A sneak preview of a spectacular man- Vernon Dursley, behind the mustache.

-a furious battle-

Kahlan: Between the bacteria Uncle Vernon had been growing in his mustache, and his newly acquired lice.

-as two of Uncle Vernon's-

Kahlan: Personalities.
Sabrina: Sheep.

-most fundamental instincts came into conflict.

Kahlan: Yelling and Eating.
Sabrina: Killing and Doing the Tango.
Kahlan: Sleeping and Throwing Things Against Walls.
Sabrina: Glaring and Talking.

Allowing Harry to go would make Harry-

Kahlan: Angry.
Sabrina: Horrified.
Kahlan: Into mincemeat.
Sabrina: Omnipotent.

-happy, something Uncle Vernon had-

Kahlan: Tried to do whenever possible.

-struggled against for thirteen years. On the other-

Kahlan: Foot.
Sabrina: Side of the Earth, an earthquake had occured in Japan, someone in Australia had lost their grandmother, and in China a UFO had been sighted. Coincedence? I think so.

-hand, allowing Harry to disappear-
Kahlan: *impressed* Harry can dissapear?
Sabrina: Perhaps we underestimated him.

-to-

Kahlan: Togo.
Sabrina: Lithuania.
Kahlan: A rainforest in South America.
Sabrina: Mrs. Figg's.

-the Weasley's for the rest of the-

Kahlan: Decade.
Sabrina: Century.

-summer would get rid of him-

*Kahlan and Sabrina clap politly*
Kahlan: *rolls eyes* Not quite the sharpest tool in the shed...

-two weeks earlier than anyone could have hoped, and Uncle Vernon hated having Harry-

Kahlan: Leave.
Sabrina: Watch him do the tango.
Kahlan: Within a two mile radius of him.

-in the house. To give himself-

Kahlan: A back massage.
Sabrina: An early birthday present.

-thinking time,-

Sabrina: *snort* He sure needs it.

-it seemed,-

Kahlan: As if it was about to rain.

-he looked down at-

Sabrina: His mustache.
Kahlan: Which was now neon green, (being a much better color than purple.)

-Mrs. Weasley-

Sabrina: Where? I don't see her....

-'s letter again.
"Who is this-

Kahlan as Vernon: Stalker?
Sabrina as Vernon: Idiot...I mean woman.

-woman?" He said, staring at the signature with-

Kahlan: Joy.
Sabrina: Astonishment.

-distaste.

Kahlan: Just because she has a messy signature, that's no reason not to like her.

"You've-

Kahlan: Slept with her.
Sabrina as Petunia/Mr. Weasley: He what?!?

-seen her," said Harry.

Sabrina: *shakes head in exasperation* Harry, if he could remember her, do you think he would be asking you this??

"She's my-

Kahlan as Harry: Mentor.
Sabrina as Harry: Least favorite female person in this story....she's just too maternal.

-friend-

Kahlan: Malfoy's.
Sabrina: Tom Marvalo Riddle's.
Kahlan: Colin Creevy's.

-Ron's mother, she was-

Kahlan as Harry: A Death Eater.
Sabrina as Harry: An austronaut.
Kahlan as Harry: An assasin.

-meeting him off-

Kahlan: The airplane back from the Lithuania.
Sabrina: The tube from Little Hangleton.

-the Hog-

Kahlan: They use pigs as a form of transportation here?

-off the school train at the end of last term."
He almost said-

Kahlan: Avada Kedavera.
Sabrina: The f- word.
Kahlan: Frogs? Fruit? Fudge? Felines? Five? Fight?.....

-"Hogwarts Express", and that was a sure way to-

Kahlan: Get kicked out.
Sabrina: Get on his Uncle's good side.
Kahlan: Get a one way ticket to some remote island in the Pacific.

-get his uncle's temper up. Nobody ever mentioned the name-

Kahlan: Albus Dumbledore.
Sabrina: Pierce Brosnan....Uncle Vernon had wanted to be the next James Bond....
Kahlan: Uncle Vernon, instead they all had to call him Gary.

-of Harry's school-

Sabrina: You mean Hogwarts.
*Uncle Vernon gives her a nervous look. Sabrina begins running around yelling "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy" at the top of her lungs, until Kahlan, annoyed when Sabrina had screamed in her ear, put a silencing charm on her.*

-aloud in the Dursley houshold.
Uncle Vernon screwed-

Kahlan: Lets not even go there...please...

-up his enourmous-

Kahlan: Shoe.
Sabrina: *sullen after finally removing the charm* Ego.

-face as though trying to-

Sabrina: Get it stuck that way.
-remember something-

Kahlan: Amnesia...
Sabrina as Vernon: What was my name again?

-very unpleasent.

Sabrina: Us, perhaps?
Kahlan: Himself, most likely.

"Dumpy sorty of woman?"-

Kahlan: *snort* Vernon is talking about someone else being "dumpy"...
Sabrina: *cough hypocrite cough*

-he growled-

Kahlan: Snarl, growl...
Sabrina: What's with all this growling? Perhaps he's a werewolf...
Kahlan: Or incredibly horny...

-finally. "Load of-

Kahlan: Dishwasher detergent.
Sabrian: Coconuts! *Begins singing* I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...there they are a standing in a row....

-children with red hair?"

Kahlan: *rolls eyes* His memory is astonishing...
Sabrina: Or lack of one, that is.

Harry frowned. He thought-

Kahlan: *sarcastic* Really? I had no idea...

-it was a bit rich of Uncle Vernon to call anyone "dumpy",-

Sabrina: Exactly what we said half a page ago.
Kahlan: Someone's a bit slow...and this time it's not Sabrina...

-when his own-

Kahlan: Hippopotamus.
Sabrina: Personal slave.

-son,-

Kahlan: Ah, same thing...

-Dudley, had finally achieved what he'd been threatening to do since the age of three,-

Sabrina: Become a Death Eater, moved to Florida and (illegally) voted for George Bush, and ran away to become...a lumberjack!
Kahlan: World domination.
Sabrina: A worthy goal of a three year old.

-and became wider than he was tall.
Uncle Vernon was perusing thet letter again.

Sabrina: He was doing what to the letter??
Kahlan: Ah yes, I love the Word thesaurus.
"Quidditch," he muttered under his breath. "Quidditch-

Kahlan as Vernon: Why wasn't I invited?

-what is this rubbish?"
Harry felt a second stab-

Kahlan: As Vernon plunged the kitchen knife deep into his back.
Sabrina: Of jealousy. His vocabulary wasn't half as large as Uncle Vernon's.

-of annoyance.
"It's a-

Kahlan: National holiday!
Sabrina: Thing students do just to annoy teachers.
Kahlan: (a)n ancient sport, dating back from the pre-Roman era.

-sport," he said shortly.

Kahlan: Shortly? Does that mean you can say things tally?
*Both experiment with saying different words with different heights. Finally this proves to be too much, and they fall to the ground laughing hysterically.*

"Played on-

Kahlan: The teachers!
Sabrina: Hypogriffs!
Kahlan: Vacuum cleaners!
Sabrina: Rabid chickens dyed orange with only one eye!

-broom-"
"All right, all right!" Said Uncle Vernon loudly.

Kahlan as Vernon: Take the money and be off.
Sabrina as Vernon being tickled by Harry: Uncle, uncle! I give in....haha....please....

Harry saw, with some satisfaction, that his uncle looked-

Kahlan: Amused.
Sabrina: Like he was bleeding profusely from wounds to his head caused by a blunt, heavy object.

-vaguely panicky.

Kahlan: *triumphant smirk* Well, we do have that effect on people...

Apparently his nerves couldn't stand-

Kahlan: Our constant harassment.

-the sound of-

Kahlan: Metal claws on a blackboard.
Sabrina: Grating cheese.
Kahlan: Music.

-the word-

Kahlan: Bananas.
Sabrina: Aluminium.
Kahlan: Fishsticks.
Sabrina: Muggle.

-"broomsticks" in his-

Kahlan: Planet.
Sabrina: Imagination.
Kahlan: Own little world.

-living room. He took refuge in perusing-

Kahlan: It's that word again!
Sabrina: I really need a dictionary...

-the letter again. Harry saw-

Kahlan: Vernon run screaming from the room.
Sabrina: A pig coast by.

-his lips form the words-

Kahlan: Take me to your leader.
Sabrina: No soy tu chongo de amor.

-"send us-

Kahlan: The money by noon tomorrow.
Sabrina: The small pink dinasaur statue.

-your answer...in the normal way." He scowled.
"What does she mean,-

Kahlan as Vernon: Become a Death Eater, and hand over Potter to us....
Sabrina as Vernon: You are so sexy, you-oooh, never mind.

-'the normal way'?" He spat.

Kahlan: Tsk tsk, spitting is bad manners.

"Normal for-

Kahlan as Harry: People.
Sabrina as Harry: Green eyed, yellow bellied dinasaurs.

-us," said Harry, and before his uncle could stop him, he added,-

Kahlan as Harry: Now that I've told you, I'll have to kill you.
Sabrina as Harry: And you're just a big....bullie!

-"you know-

Kahlan: One eyed, one horned, flying purple people eaters.
Sabrina: Flying cows.

-owl post. That's what's normal for-

Kahlan: Fourteen year old boys.
Sabrina: People under three hundred pounds.

-wizards."
Uncle Vernon looked as outraged as if Harry had just-

Kahlan: Began doing a strip tease to the tune of the Full Monty.
Sabrina: Cussed him out in German.

-uttered a disgusting swearword. Shaking with-

Kahlan: Delight.
Sabrina: Sympathy
Kahlan: Hypothermia.

-anger, he shot-

Kahlan: An innocent bird who happened to fly by at the wrong moment.
Sabrina: Uncle Vernon with a gun! Chaos save us all!

-a nervous look through the windows, as though expecting to see-

Kahlan: A crowd of people all either staring at him, pointing, laughing, or a combination of all three.
Sabrina: Someone recording this whole conversation.
Kahlan: A very insane watcher with too much spare time on her hands. *She grins, and dissapears, only to reappear outside the window. Vernon looks as if he is about to have a nervous breakdown. With her very short attention span, Kahlan becomes bored, and suddenly appears inside the living room.*

-some of the neighbors-

Kahlan: With pitchforks, a wooden stake, ropes, and matches; all yelling about "burning the wizard."
Sabrina: "(S)he turned me into a newt! Well, I got better..."

-with their ears pressed against the glass.
"How many time do I have to tell you not to-

Kahlan as Vernon: Play with fire!
Sabrina as Vernon: Bring home strange kittens! Any one of them could be an illegal Animagus!

-mention that unatrualness under my roof?"

Kahlan: Anywhere between 1 and 2 billion, I'd say.

-he hissed-

Kahlan: He's a Parseltounge?
Sabrian: Voldemort disguised as a muggle! Run for your life!

-his face now-

Sabrina: Lime green.
Kahlan: Extremely humorous to look at.

-a rich plum-

Sabrina: Well, I was hungry...

-color. "You stand there-

Kahlan: Thank you for once again stating the obvious.
Sabrina: Well, if he didn't 'his brain might start working.'

-in the clothes-

Kahlan: I should certainly hope so.
Sabrina as Vernon: I found in that alleyway down the street...

-Petunia and I have put on your ungrateful back-"-

Kahlan: You mean they dress Harry every morning?
Sabrina: 'The Savior of the Wizarding World Can't Dress Self.' Fantastic article, I've got to talk to Rita Skeeter...
"Only after-

Kahlan as Harry: You stole them from a thrift shop.
Sabrina as Harry: The neighbors began complaining about me walking me around naked.

-Dudley finished with them," said Harry coldly,-

Kahlan: *claps* Very nice! One point for Harry.

-and indeed, he was dressed-

Sabrina: *rolls eyes* Yes, and we are extremely glad for this, but moving on...

-in a sweatshirt so large for him that he had had-

Kahlan: To perform a shrinking spell.
Sabrina: *smirk* To wear his robes, until Vernon locked them in the cuboard, that is.

-to roll back the sleeves five times-

Kahlan: Now that is truly pathetic.
Sabrina: Dudley's clothes at the age of eight might fit Harry right now...

-so as to be able to use-

Kahlan: A can opener.
Sabrina: The can of spray paint (in Dudley's room, of course.)
-his hands, and which fell-

Kahlan and Sabrina: Timber!

-past the knees of-

Kahlan: His pet elephant Fluffy.
Sabrina: His turtle...wait, do turtles even have knees?
Kahlan: *shrug* Don't ask me.

-his extremely baggy-

Kahlan: Hair.
Sabrina: Sneakers.

-jeans.
"I will not-

Sabrina as Vernon: Be your love monkey!
Kahlan as Vernon: Stand for this insubordination. Drop and give me fifty!

-be spoken to-

*Kahlan and Sabrina look at each other, puzzled, and shrug*
Kahlan: Alright, we'll ignore him then...
Sabrina: Only if he doesn't talk to us. His voice is extremely annoying.

-like that!"-

Kahlan: Sorry Vernon, but you don't have much of a choice about how we talk to you.
Sabrina as Harry: Yessir, sorry sir.

-said Uncle Vernon, trembling-

Sabrina: Earthquake!
Kahlan: No, that's Dudley.

-with-

Kahlan: Shock.
Sabrina: Fear.

-rage.
But Harry wasn't going to-

Kahlan: Argue, he was a very mild person.
Sabrina: Elope with Professor Snape.
*Kahlan rolls her eyes.*

-stand-

Kahlan: So why don't you take a seat?

-for this.

Sabrina: Good job Harry, stand up for your rights.
*Sabrina and Kahlan begin parading around the living room with signs reading 'No More Grapefruit!', and 'Become a Death Eater, call 1-800-voldie.' Sabrina looks at her sign with confusion.*
Sabrina: Oops, wrong one...

Gone were the days-

Kahlan: *whistful tone* Of yore, when Chaos reined supreme...
Sabrina: When the refrigerator had food in it...

-when he had been forced to-

Kahlan: Work in a part-time job every summer to support Dudley's overeating.
Sabrina: Go on safaris for rare, wild, man eating bunny rabbits.

-take every single-

Kahlan: Test in school for Dudley.

-one of the Dursleys'-

Sabrina: IQ tests.
Kahlan: Rocket launchers, and hide them in the backyard.

-stupid rules. He wasn't following-

Kahlan: Uncle Vernon's train of thought.
Sabrina: The leader. Harry had never liked games for small children, while Dudley still did.

-Dudley's diet,-

Kahlan: *gasp of horror* How dare he!

-and he wasn't going to-

Kahlan: That boarding school in Albania, whatever the Dursely's said.
Sabrina: Become a travelling magician to earn them extra income.
-let Uncle Vernon-

Kahlan: Have the last laugh.
Sabrina as Harry: Um...haha...haha....

-stop him from-

Kahlan: Saving the world, again.
Sabrina: Becoming a Buddhist monk.

-going to-

Kahlan: Mars.
Sabrina: The psychiatrist's every Thursday.

-the Quidditch World Cup, not if he could-

Kahlan: Let loose a swarm of killer bees in London instead.
Sabrina: Work in Uncle Vernon's drill company.
Kahlan: Hang out with Dudley. *shudder*

-help it. Harry-

Kahlan: Picked up a chair, and asked Vernon again if he could go to the cup.
Sabrina: Began to throw peices of china at the wall, and a few at Vernon.

-took a deep, steadying breath and then-

Kahlan: Blew up the house.
Sabrina: Smashed Dudley's latest television set.

-said, "Okay,-

Kahlan: He's giving in?!
Sabrina: Come on Harry, you weren't nearly annoying enough to quit now!

-I can't see-

Kahlan as Harry: The square dancing competition Monday.
Sabrina as Harry: Voldemort singing "You Drive Me Crazy", with the Death Eaters as dancers.
Kahlan: *Shudders* And that's probably a good thing...

-the World Cup.

Kahlan: Come on Harry, you could at least sneak out!

Can I-

Kahlan as Harry: Go upstairs, come back with my wand, and kill you all?

-go now, then? Only I've got-

Kahlan as Harry: To color code my sock drawer.
Sabrina as Harry: To write to my pen pal, Gilderoy Lockhardt.

-a letter to-

Kahlan as Harry: George Bush.
Sabrina as Harry: Write to Professor Trewlany, asking her how soon I'll die this summer.

-Sirius I want to finish. You know- my-

Kahlan as Harry: Worst enemy.
Sabrina as Harry: Great Uncle twice removed.

-godfather."
He had done it.

Kahlan: Go Harry! Um...what did he do?

He had said the magic words.

Kahlan: I have a box of matches and some gasoline?
Sabrina: Don't human wizards have to have a wand to perform magic?

Now he watched-

Kahlan: As Vernon blew up into many small pieces.
Sabrina: Dawsons Creek. His work here was finished.

-the purple recede blotchily-

Kahlan: Interesting adjective...

-from Uncle Vernon's face, making it look like-

Kahlan: It had just been run over by a steam roller.
Sabrina: A monkey.
Kahlan: No, that's too intelligent a species.

-badly mixed black current ice cream.

Kahlan: Food....
Sabrina: How can you still think of eating after that revolting description?

"You're- you're-

Kahlan as Vernon: Not my nephew Harry!
Sabrina as Harry: Very good Vernon. I'm Harry's evil twin, Larry Potter. Prepare to die.

-writing to him, are you?" Said Uncle Vernon, in a would-be-

Kahlan: State of shock.
Sabrina: Angry tone.

-calm voice- but Harry had seen-

Kahlan: How Vernon barricaded the house against godfathers turned murderers.
Sabrina: The laser he had brought home yesterday to "protect against burglers."

-the pupils-

Kahlan as Vernon: Now pay attention class. You're here to learn to defend yourself against *shudder* magic.

-of his eyes-

Kahlan: Disappear.
Sabrina: Turn red, and he began frothing at the mouth. Uncle Vernon was rabid.

-contract with sudden fear.

Kahlan: No, I think that was because of us.

"Well-

Sabrina as Harry: I'm going to go upstairs and set my godfather on you all. Have a nice day.

-yeah," said Harry, casually. "It's been a while since-

Kahlan as Harry: His last meal....
Sabrina as Harry: He's gotten to watch Friends; so he's in a pretty bad mood...

-he heard from me, and, you know,-

Kahlan as Harry: Who!
Sabrina: *puzzled* No, actually, I don't know...

-if he doesn't, then he might start to thinking-

Kahlan: *sarcastic tone* Imagine that, Sirius Black thinking. I'm amazed.
Sabrina: Have you been taking sarcasm lessons from Snape? Anyways, if I were you I'd watch out for all the Sirius fans.

-something's wrong."

Kahlan: He might start thinking something's wrong??? Voldemort has tried to kill you three times so far, every Dark wizard hates you, you're stuck here with these people...and he just might think something's wrong?!?!
Sabrina: And those are just Harry's problems.

He stopped to there to enjoy-

Kahlan: The warm, summer day.
Sabrina: Uncle Vernon's screams of pain.

-the effect of-

Kahlan: The hair dye on Vernon's mustache.
Sabrina: The Dark Mark Harry had spray painted on the back wall of the house.

-these words. He could almost see-

Kahlan: So he can't dress himself, and he's blind?

-the cogs working-

Sabrina: In his newest Doomsday machine.

-under Uncle Vernon's thick, dark, neatly parted-

Sabrina: Armpit hair.
Kahlan: *makes gagging noise* Thank you...but I didn't need that so early in the morning...

-hair. If he tried to stop Harry-

Kahlan: From taking over the world.
Sabrina: From surfing the net on Dudley's new computer.

-writing to Sirius, Sirius would-

Kahlan: Probably be very grateful.
Sabrina: I wouldn't want some annoying 14 year old interrupting my vacation.
*Harry looks meaningfully at the two girls*
Sabrina: We are much older than 14, thank you very much.
Kahlan: It's so much fun to be immortal.

-think-

Kahlan: *rolls eyes* We've gone over this one already...

-Harry was-

Sabrina: Dead.
Kahlan: Out partying, and way to busy to write him.

-being mistreated.

Sabrina: *extremely sarcastic* What makes him think that...

If he told Harry-

Kahlan: To go jump off a cliff.
Sabrina: Who his real father was.

-he couldn't go to the Quidditch World Cup,-

Kahlan: We would be forced to torture him.

-Harry would write and tell Sirius,-

Sabrina: To please come and dispose of his annoying relatives.

-who would know-

Kahlan: Uncle Vernon's real profession.
Sabrina: The flight velocity of an unladen swallow.

-Harry was being mistreated. If he told Harry he couldn't-
Kahlan: Run away and join the circus.
Sabrina: Go to dancing lessons.

-go to the Quidditch World Cup, Harry would write and tell Sirius,-

Sabrina: Seriously.
Kahlan: Lame, very lame.

-who would know Harry was being mistreated. There was only one-

Kahlan: Way to solve this. Bananas at fifty paces.

-thing for Uncle Vernon to do.

Kahlan: Kill either Harry or Sirius.
Sabrina: Sit down and have a nice banana smoothie.

Harry could see-

Kahlan: Yes, we know. I'm so tired of that line I can't even make a sarcastic comment about it any longer!

-the conclusions forming in his uncle's mind-

Sabrina: He can read minds?
*Both look extremely nervous.*
Kahlan: *mutters under breath* I didn't mean it about the dungbomb...
Sabrina: Or the embarrasing pictures of you that we were going to post around Hogwarts...

-as though the great mustached face-

Sabrina: Mustached, yes. Great, absoloutly not.

-were-

Kahlan: Clean shaven.
Sabrina: Just not there.

-transparent. Harry tried not to-

Kahlan: Kick his uncle and make a break for it.
Sabrina: Cast a spell that really would make the face transparent.
Kahlan: Begin walzting around the room with his imaginary friend Edna.

-smile, to keep his own face as blank as possible. And then-

Kahlan: The aliens landed.
Sabrina: Voldemort walked in and invited Harry to his annual Parseltounge Convention.

"Well, all right then. You can go to this ruddy...this stupid...-

Kahlan as Vernon: This moronic...this idiotic....this pointles...

-this World Cup Thing. You write-

Sabrina as Vernon: Because I don't know how to...

-and tell these- these Weasleys they're to pick you up, mind.

Kahlan: Mind...what?
Sabrina: Mind the gap, I repeat, mind the gap.

I haven't got time-

Kahlan: In other words he's too lazy.

-to go dropping you-

Sabrina as Vernon: From very tall buildings.

-off all over the country.

Kahlan: They don't live that far away...

And you can spend-

Kahlan as Vernon: That penny you found on the sidewalk yesterday for food.
Sabrina as Vernon: As much as you want. Here, take my credit card.

-the rest of the summer there. And you can tell your-

Kahlan as Vernon: Invisible friend.
Sabrina as Vernon: Pet mink.

-you godfather...tell him...-

Kahlan as Vernon: To go jump off a cliff.
Sabrina as Vernon: The square root of 576.

-tell him you're going."
"Okay then," said Harry brightly.

Kahlan: Wow, the first bright thing he's said all day...

He turned and-

Kahlan: Tripped over a chair.
Sabrina: Began making obscene gestures at Uncle Vernon.

-walked toward the living room door, fighting the urge-

Kahlan: He's got the uuurgeee to Herbal!

-to-

Kahlan: Do a victory dance.
Sabrina: Attack Vernon with a blunt, heavy object.

-jump in the air and whoop. He was going...-

Kahlan: Going...gone!

-he was going-

Sabrina: And you say I'm repetetive!

-to the Weasley's, he was going to watch-

Sabrina: The national Uno tournament.
Kahlan: Sesame Street.

-the Quidditch World Cup!

*Kahlan and Sabrina watch Harry exit the room. They look at Vernon, who's still staring at the invitation. Sabrina begins smirking, and nudges Kahlan, motioning toward the invitation and whispering. Kahlan nods, now grinning also, and mutters, "You do the honors." Suddenly the invitation catches on fire, and begins to burn very brightly in Vernon's hand. He stares at it for a few seconds dumbly, then rushes into the kitchen, screaming.*
Sabrina: A friend once told me that stamps very extremely flammable...

Outside in the hall he nearly ran into-

Kahlan: Mrs. Figg and her cats.
Sabrina: Crabbe and Goyle.
Kahlan: Professor Snape.
Sabrina: *rolls eyes and mutters* You wish...

-Dudley,-

Kahlan: Good thing he missed. Running into Dudley would severly damage something smaller than a pickup truck.

-who had been-

Kahlan: Looking for something edible.
Sabrina: Making collect long distance calls to Russia.

-lurking-

Kahlan: That has sinister overtones which doesn't quite fit in with my image of Dudley.
-behind the door, clearly-

Kahlan: Trying to determing if wood tasted good.
Sabrina: Attempting to trasfigure the door into something more edible.

-hoping to overhear-

Kahlan: Harry talking to himself.
Sabrina: Vernon's credit card number.

-Harry being told off. He looked-

Kahlan: Murderous.
Sabrina: Puzzled.

-shocked-

Sabrina: Close enough...

-to see the broad grin on Harry's face.
"That was excellent-

Kahlan as Harry: Blackmail, don't you agree?
Sabrina as Harry: Dancing lessons, I've got to sign up for the next session...

-breakfast, wasn't it?" Said Harry. "I feel really-

Kahlan as Harry: Sleepy.
Sabrina as Harry: Impressed.

-full, don't you?"
Laughing at-

Kahlan: How stupid his cousin is.
Sabrina: The 'Heavy Load' sign he'd just put on Dudley's back.

-the astonished look on Dudley's face, Harry took the stairs three at a time,-

Kahlan: He...took the stairs? So he ripped them up in groups of three?
Sabrina: Makes good firewood...
Kahlan: Please, no more burning...

-and hurled-

*Kahlan snickers*
Sabrina: All over the brand new white carpet.
-himself back-

Kahlan: In time.
Sabrina: -wards, down the now non-existent stairs.

-into his bedroom.
The first thing he saw was-

Kahlan: The small purple giraffe eating his bed.
Sabrina: Voldemort and the Death Eaters, with a large 'Happy Birthday Harry, Enjoy Life While You Can' banner hanging from the ceiling.

-that Hedwig was-

Kahlan: Dead.
Sabrina: Three times her normal size.

-back. She was sitting in her cage, staring at-

Kahlan: The handsome barn owl perched in a tree outside the window....
Sabrina: Her calculus homework in confusion...

-Harry with her enormous amber eyes,-

Sabrina: I don't like that look...
Kahlan: When Good Owls Go Bad.

-and clicking-

Kahlan: Her tap shoes to the beat of an unidentifiable song.

-her beak in the way that meant she was-

Kahlan: Hungry, very hungry...
Sabrina: Practicing for her next concert.

-annoyed about something.

Kahlan: Hey, it's our job to annoy the Harry Potter characters!

Exactly what was annoying her became apparent almost at once.

Sabrina: Colin Creevy, Gilderoy Lockhardt, and Cornelius Fudge, all in the same room? Noooo...

"OUCH!"-

Kahlan as Harry: It bit me!

-said Harry as what appeared to be a-

Kahlan: Large rock.
Sabrina: Thirty pound anvil fell on his foot.

-small, gray, feathered tennis ball collided with the side of his-

Kahlan: Ribcage.
Sabrina: Foot.

-head.

*Sabrina smirks and innocently hides a slingshot behind her back.*

Harry massaged-

Kahlan: His client, Lucius Malfoy. This was his summer job.
Sabrina: His head, which hurt from all the thinking he had been doing lately.

-the spot-

Kahlan: On his dalmation.

-furiously, looking up to see-

Kahlan: Where he put his Sniper rifle.
Sabrina: If the ceiling was still there.

-what had hit him, and saw-

Kahlan: A flobberworm.
Sabrina: Twenty tons of horseradish.

-a minute-

Kahlan: Dragon.
Sabrina: Flying Land Rover.

-owl, small enough to fit into-

Kahlan: *licks lips hungrily* An oven...
Sabrina: My pocket.

-the palm of his-

Kahlan: Foot.

-hand, whizzing excitedly around the room like a-

Kahlan: (a)n elephant on a sugar high.

-loose firework. Harry then realized-

Kahlan: The owl was remote control.
Sabrina: Voldemort didn't like him.
Kahlan: Two plus two did equal four.

-that the owl had dropped-

Kahlan: Dead from an overdose of excitement.
Sabrina: A proximity mine by his feet.

-a letter at his feet. Harry bent down,-

Kahlan: And smacked the letter. How dare it drop in without an appointment.
Sabrina: And felt someone kick his behind.
*Harry glares at the girls while they whistle innocently.*

-recognized Ron's-

Kahlan: Seal.
Sabrina: Blood on the envelope.

-handwriting, then tore-

Kahlan: His hair out in frustration.
Sabrina: The letter in half.

-open the envelope. Inside was-

Kahlan: One million dollars!
Sabrina: A oneway ticket to South Africa.

-a hastily scribbled-

Kahlan: Recipe for Hagrid's rock cakes.
Sabrina: Ransom note.

-note.

Harry- DAD GOT THE TICKETS-

Kahlan: *dryly* Really? I had no idea....
Sabrina: We thought you were planning to sneak in...

-Ireland versus Bulgaria, Monday night. Mum's writing to-

Kahlan: Lucius Malfoy, because no public wizarding event would be complete without Muggle torturing.

-the Muggles to ask you to-

Sabrina: Give up magic, move to the United Sates, and start a dairy farm.

-stay. They might-

Kahlan as Ron: Burn the letter and bury the ashes.
Sabrina: Nope, we burned it already.

-already have the letter, I don't know-

Kahlan as Ron: The square root of 5,678.
Sabrina as Ron: How eckeltricity works.
Kahlan as Ron: A lot of things....

-how fast-

Sabrina as Ron: An oak tree grows.
Kahlan as Ron: Dudley can run.

-Muggle post is. Thought-

Kahlan: Notice how the verb think is in past tense...

-I'd send this with-

Kahlan as Ron: Draco Malfoy. He said he wanted to visit you.
Sabrina as Ron: My new remote control owl.

-Pig anyway.

Harry stared-

Kahlan: At the large green blob growing on the envelope.

-at the word-

Kahlan: Fast.
Sabrina: DAD.

-"Pig", then looked up at-

Kahlan: The picture of Voldemort he'd painted on the ceiling.
Sabrina: Nothing in paticular, his neck was cramped.

-the tiny owl now zooming around the light-

Sabrina: *mysterious voice* Go toward the light, young spazzy owl...

-fixture. He had never-

Kahlan: Been to Denmark.
Sabrina: Eaten Chinese food in a Mexican restoraunt.

-seen anything that looked less like a-

Kahlan: (a)n accountant.
Sabrina: Saber tooth tiger.

-pig. Maybe he couldn't read-

Kahlan: *sigh* He doesn't dress himself, he's blind. and he's illiterate.

-Ron's writing. He went back to-

Kahlan: Planning world domination.
Sabrina: Trying to touch his nose with his tounge.

-the letter:

We're coming-

Kahlan: For you Harry...beware...

-for you whether the Muggles like it or not,-

Sabrina as Ron: Preferably not.

-you can't miss-

Kahlan as Ron: The half time show. Voldie and the Death Eaters are performing.
Sabrina as Ron: The game room at the stadium.

-the World Cup, only Mom and Dad-

Kahlan as Ron: Have refused to take us, so we have to sneak out.

-reckon it's better if we pretend-

Kahlan as Ron: Like spending time with you.
Sabrina as Ron: Not be a supporter of Voldemort.

-ask their permission first. If they say yes,-

Kahlan as Ron: You can walk to the Burrow.
Sabrina as Ron: They will be spared the wrath of the Weasel.

-send Pig back with-

Kahlan as Ron: The money you owe us for the ticket.

-your answer-

Kahlan as Ron: To whether you'll marry Ginny.
Sabrina as Ron: To number 17 on the Potions homework.

-pronto, and we'll come-

Kahlan as Ron: And burn down the house.
Sabrina as Ron: To pick up Dudley.

-and get you at five o'clock on Sunday. If they say no,-

Kahlan as Ron: Then kill them.
Sabrina as Ron: We'll give your ticket to someone else.

-send Pig back pronto and we'll come and get you at five o'clock on Sunday anyway.

Kahlan: So why did Harry bother asking permission?

Hermione's arriving this afternoon. Percy's-

Kahlan as Ron: Just proposed to her.
Sabrina as Ron: Decided to open the joke shop with the twins.

-started work- the Department of-

Kahlan as Ron: Misplaced Identities.
Sabrina as Ron: Muggle Science.
Kahlan as Ron: Lost Wands.

-International Magic Cooperation.

*Kahlan and Sabrina roll their eyes at the name*
Kahlan: Sounds....impressive.
Sabrina: Sounds boring to me.

Don't mention anything-

Kahlan as Ron: Having to do with Voldemort, the Ministry, his name, Muggles, and giant, rabid cats.
Sabrina: Then what are we supposed to talk about?

-Abroad while you're here unless you want-

Kahlan as Ron: To be made fun of constantly from now on.
Sabrina as Ron: To go to "time out."

-the pants bored off of you.

*Kahlan and Sabrina look nervous.*
Kahlan: Remind me not to say anything about Abroad.
Sabrina: Yes, I will. None of us want to see you without the pants....wait, we're wearing robes over them, so why does it matter?

See you soon-

Kahlan: Ginny.
Sabrina: Pansy Parkinson.

Ron

"Calm down!"

*Sabrina immediantly stops running around the room.*
Sabrina: *muttering* Sorry...too much sugar.
Kahlan: I don't think he was talking to you, numskull.

-Harry said as the small owl-

Kahlan: Began dive bombing him.

-flew low over his head-

Sabrina: Aircraft Pig, requesting permission to land.

-twittering madly-

Sabrina: *alarmed* That owl is insane.
Kahlan: *shrug* Well, so are you...

-with what Harry could only assume was-

Kahlan: Anger.
Sabrina: Shame.

-pride at having delivered-


Kahlan: The bomb that would destroy his enemy.
Sabrina: The ultimatum.

-to the right person. "Come here, I need-

Kahlan as Harry: To wring your scrawny neck.
Sabrina as Harry: My daily dose of protein.

-you to take-

Kahlan as Harry: Dancing lessons with me.
Sabrina as Harry: This bomb to Malfoy Mansion.

-my answer back!"
The owl fluttered down on top of-

Kahlan: Harry's head.
Sabrina: The last of Harry's chocolate cake, and began eating.

-Hedwig's cage. Hedwig looked coldy at it,-

Kahlan: And proceeded to chop the owl up into tiny peices with her talons.

-as thought daring it to-

Kahlan: Clip its wings, then jump from the tower of London.
Sabrina: Deliver a letter to the wrong person.

-try and come-

Kahlan: To her party for wizards' owls next Thursday.

-any closer.
Harry seized-

Kahlan: The day! Carpe Diem!
Sabrina: A large, blunt club, and slowly approached Pig...

-his eagle-

Sabrina: He's got an eagle! Neat.

-feathered quill once more, grabbed a fresh-

Kahlan: Cucumber.
Sabrina: Dried animal skin (to write on).

-piece of parchment,-

Kahlan: And began to draw picture of the Dursley's dyeing in many different, and equally gruesome, ways.
Sabrina: And started his essay on 'The Theory of the Specialties of Magic Based on Eye Color.'

-and wrote:

Ron, it's all okay,-

Kahlan as Harry: Everything is right in the world...

-the Muggles say I can come. See you at give o'clock tomorrow. Can't wait.

Kahlan: *mutters* I can.

Harry.

He folded this note up-

Kahlan: And began to make a paper crane with it.

-very small, and with immense-

Kahlan: Ease and grace.
Sabrina: Mountains towering over him.

-difficulty, tied it to-

Kahlan: The bedpost.
Sabrina: His finger.

-the tiny owl's leg as it hopped-

Sabrina: Jumped, and twirled.

-on the spot with excitement. The moment the note was secure, the owl-

Kahlan: Ripped it off it's leg with a smirk.
Sabrina: Keeled over, and died.

-was off again;-

Kahlan: Into the twilight...
Sabrina: Never to be seen by mortal eyes...

-it zoomed-

Kahlan: *singing* Zoom zoom zoom...

-out of the window and out of sight.

Sabrina: Through a plot hole, and into an alternate universe.
Kahlan: Needless to say, Harry's letter was never delivered.

Harry turned to Hedwig.

Kahlan as Harry: Hedwig, will you marry me?
Sabrina as Harry: I'm sorry Hedwig, but with those new remote control owls, you've got to go.

"Feeling up to a-

Kahlan as Harry: Dance?
Sabrina as Harry: Another year fighting against Voldemort and his evil minions?

-long journey?" He asked her.
Hedwig hooted in a-

Kahlan: Morose.
Sabrina: Regretful.

-dignified sort of way.
"Can you take this to-

Kahlan as Harry: Hong Kong?
Sabrina as Harry: That alternate universe for me?

-Sirius for me?" He said, picking up his-

Kahlan: Wand, ready to perform the Imperious curse if need be.
Sabrina: Fifty parchment letter with a smirk.

-letter. "Hang on...I just want to-

Kahlan as Harry: Make sure he doesn't eat you, like he did with that other owl.
Sabrina as Harry: Check to see if the invisible ink worked.

-finish it."
He unfolded the parchment and-

Sabrina: Set it on fire.
Kahlan: Added a section asking Sirius to please come and kill the Dursley's for him.

-hastily added a postcript.

If you want to-

Kahlan as Harry: Come to dancing lessons with me.
Sabrina as Harry: Kill the Dursleys, feel free.

-contact me, I'll be at my friend-

Kahlan as Harry: Draco Malfoy's.
Sabrina as Harry: Colin Creevy's.

-Ron Weasley's for the rest of the summer. His dad's got us-

Kahlan as Harry: Passes to Voldemort's next meeting.
Sabrina as Harry: Booked in a summer camp for aspiring Dark Wizards. Only the best have gone there: Voldemort, Grindewald...

-tickets for the Quidditch World Cup!

The letter finished, he tied it to Hedwig's-

Kahlan: Wing.
Sabrina: Tail feathers.

-leg; she kept unusually-

Kahlan: Silent.
Sabrina: Busy.

-still, as though-

Kahlan: Plotting Harry's downfall...

determined to-

Kahlan: Convince Harry she really was Hedwig. This was Hedwig's twin sister, Hewigina.
Sabrina: Cajole Harry into buying her some owl treats.

-show him how a real pet owl should behave.

Sabrina: Is Harry training to become a pet owl?

"I'll be at-

Kahlan as Harry: Azkaban.
Sabrina as Harry: Malfoy Manor.

-Ron's when you get back, all right?" Harry told her.
She nipped his finger-

Kahlan: Aaah, she's rabid!
Sabrina: And so began the reign of terror under the feared owl, Hedwig, who once belonged to the Boy Who Was Brutually Mauled By His Pet, Harry Potter.

-affectionately-

Kahlan: At least that's what you think...

-then, with a-

Kahlan: Large explosion.
Sabrina: Great leap out the window.

-soft swooshing noise, spread her enormous wings and soared out of the-

Kahlan: Closed window. This was not very effective.
Sabrina: Door, into the hallway.

-open window.
Harry watched-

Kahlan: As she was attacked by an eagle, which carried her off beyond his line of sight.
Sabrina: Dawsons Creek, his new favorite show.

-her out of sight, then crawled under-

Kahlan: The rug, and soon got lost.
Sabrina: A rock.

-his bed,-

*Kahlan and Sabrina peer under the bed with concern*
Sabrina: Harry...are you okay?
Kahlan: We didn't mean to scare you...okay, so we did....

-wrenched up the loose floorboard, and pulled out a-

Kahlan: List with all the people he wanted to kill on it.
Sabrina: Banana! He wasn't going to let the Dursleys push him around any longer.
Kahlan: But unknown to him, they had been taking 'How To Defend Yourself Against Someone Attacking You With A Piece Of Fruit' lessons.

-large chunk of birthday cake.

*Kahlan and Sabrina watch Harry hungrily. Harry rolls his eyes, and shakes his head in a 'no'!*
Sabrina: How rude of him!
Kahlan: Well, we did eat quite a lot of it before...

He sat there on the floor eating it,-

Kahlan: While still under the bed?
Sabrina: Maybe after being stuck in the cuboard so often, he's grown to like small, cramped spaces.

-savoring the-

Kahlan: Rich, chocolate taste.
Sabrina: Feeling of revenge.

-hapiness that was flooding-

Kahlan: *Floating on Harry's bed* Who said you could never have enough happiness?
Sabrina: *reaches down and tastes some of it* Hm...tastes like chicken...

-through him. He had cake,-

Kahlan: Yes Harry, share the wealth!

-and Dudley-

Kahlan: Is a mean, spiteful, overweight, spoiled git.

-had nothing but grapefruit; it was a-

Kahlan: Dark, dreary, stormy day.

-bright summer's day,-

Kahlan: *rolls eyes* Of course it is. I mean, he couldn't recieve good news on a stormy day.
Sabrina: Of course not, that would totally ruin the mood.

-he would-

Kahlan: Have his revenge very soon...
Sabrina: Enroll in the new dancing class at Hogwarts.

-be leaving Prive Drive tomorrow, his scar felt-

Kahlan: Painful.
Sabrina: Moody.
Kahlan: How can a scar feel moody???

-perfectly normal-

Sabrina: Same rule applies to scars as bright/rainy days.

-again, he was going to watch-

Kahlan: The chess tournament.
Sabrina: Voldemort perform Britney Spears live.

-the Quidditch World Cup. It was hard, just now, to feel-

Kahlan: Intelligent.
Sabrina: Hatred.

-worried about anything-

Kahlan: *smirks* Even us?

-even Lord Voldemort.

Sabrina: And that was why Harry was surprised when ten Death Eaters ambushed his house, killing him and the Dursleys.
Kahlan: *shrugs* There are advantedges to a bad memory. And anyways, because of him we get to go to the Weasleys, the World Cup, then Hogwarts.
Sabrina: *Rubs hands gleefully* Do we have everything? The spray paint, matches, wands, jokes from Zonkos, x-ray sunglasses....
Kahlan: Check, check. We've got everything. Let the choas begin....